Derek Mayes 1927-2006

The deceased- Local councilor. lay preacher C of E high church. Head Master at school for maladjusted children. A private man of dry wit. He asked for the life support to be switched off in the secure knowledge of his final destination.

The bereaved- My cousin Janet Mayes. Big strong woman with a personality to match. The kind of women who would get everyone to pull through in a prison of war camp. Wonderful host. On a previous occasion, an inspiration to my children, who had never seen the like.

Home of the deceased - Large 5 bedroomed detached. Several acres of well tended gardens. Gravel driveway. Wood panels. Open fires. Corridors as wide as 'A' roads.

The village- Pub. Church. Houses. Roads 1.5 cars wide, no verge, hedgerows form arch overhead. Parking in hedgerows only. All within 30 m of each other.

Church- gnarled auld English, surrounded by gnarled trees, matching tomb stones.

Our hire car- Big fast silver thing, I think it was a Vauxhall Velocoraptor or suchlike.

Navigational system- My sister = Lap of Gods.

arrived with 15 minutes to spare. A piss, quick fag,* Swift half of Stella Artoise and Scotch and water.

Barmaid, "I'd finish up quick if I were you. Cortege is turning into church."

Long service. Sunshine, blue sky, cold breeze for lowering into final resting place.

Computer print out, with mileage, for journey to reception at 'Conservative Club'. Still got lost.

Good spread including fresh piping hot roast potatoes, yum.

Other cousins. Ron, Looks like pre-nose job Ronnie Biggs ( the Great Train robber ), I mentally test the theory that all people called Ron, look this way. Find exceptions, but suspect that a tendency does exist.
Colin, 70 something- Mother, big 'Pools' winner in the 1960's, who bought large boarding house overlooking Torque bay ( the English Riviara ). Colin became an estate agent. Good looking, permanent sun tan. Wind surfer at 60! Still water skies. Fast boats, fast cars, ( wondered if that was his Ferrari I saw on the way in ) Tells me his brother Pete has just been bunjee jumping!
Sweet Terry- Ex Teacher and wine cognecenti. Stopped smoking but overweight and unhealthy looking.

Later back at Janet's house, my sister is telling all about my party piece. Singing a short Tom Lehra song. Luckily the conversation changes before someone suggests I sing it. It is a love song about the regrets a psycho' has following his lovers murder.
My sister and I often find each other rushing headlong into a faux-pass, whilst feeling powerless to stop it.

Thanks to Dave who put us up in Watford. Inspite of being a non-smoker and coping with his own heavy cold.
Thanks also to my adorable sister who paid for most of our trip.

*Fag= Cigarette. The phrase, 'outing a fag' has a totally different meaning in Britain.