i> Away With The Fairies.: Wolf, flaming sheep and a bold women.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Wolf, flaming sheep and a bold women.

Just got back from my eighth, twelve hour shift in ten days. On the two days I had free, I spent quality time with my youngest daughter Little Miss.
We were in Cardiff, hopelessly trying to shop for accessories to match her prom' dress. I have no style at all and her style is .... well.....alternative.
I turn to her and say,

"We need help, shall I call Fluffy?"
"Yeh OK."

Fluffy is her older sister. She lives with her boyfriend, on the other side of Pontyhotpant.
I call her on the cell 'phone. No sooner do the words "shopping for accessories," leave my mouth, than she agrees to meet us in 40 minutes.

Fluffys little Fiat lurches left and bumps harshly into the agreed car park. She is nodding her head in time to 'Fat Man Scoop'. Wedged between the first two fingers of her right hand is an unfeasible long, fat, hand rolled cigarette.
She bounces enthusiastically out and instructs.

" It's too late to go to 'McArthur Glen' get in the car, were going to Wellfield road. I know a short cut."

She has changed from being my little girl to 'Wolf' the Harvey Keitel character out of 'Pulp Fiction'.

Sheep.
I heard a story of an incident, which was caught on a pubs CCTV.
Five guys arrive early for a wild night. For fun, they have hired sheep costumes.
After a few drinks and with the bar otherwise empty, one of them catches fire when another carelessly lights a cigarette.
Once he realizes, he first freezes in denial, then drops and rolls. This, it turns out, is not enough to extinguish the flames. One of his mates, feeling he ought to do something. Jumps on top, and consequently catches light himself.
There then follows a kind of 'flaming sheep domino effect'
If this wasn't funny enough, the story teller goes on to say that having watched these guys, dressed as sheep, on fire, running around in panic five or six times, (and you would watch it five or six times, wouldn't you) he noticed a man, out on the street, looking in through the picture window, holding a small boy by the hand. After the second sheep catches fire, the man holds the boy up so he can better witness the mayhem.

A bold woman.
This story came to me yesterday from a colleague, not given to exaggeration.
He was relieving himself at a urinal, in a night club in Newport, when in stumbles two, giggling, young, attractive girls.
This is not unusual in the city clubs of the South Wales coastline. Women spend three times longer than men in the toilet. In older buildings, this is not reflected in their capacities.
One girl stands laughing in the doorway, whilst the other goes down the line of urinals, looking around the shoulder of each guy to see their 'peckers'. After about the fifth one, she shouts, "you'll do." spins the guy around by the shoulder into the cubicle behind her and shuts the door. Her friend leaves still laughing.

Now, call her a 'slapper*' if you will, but I have to admire her technique, efficiency and audacity.
In less than six seconds, she's gone from zero, to control of a hand picked pork bayonet in privacy.
That's got to be some kind of record.

* Slapper- A lady whose vagina and morals are a little loose.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, flaming sheep. Thats a fantastic story!
As for the second story, all I was concerned about was the possibility that the guy didn't seem to have the chance to shake... yuck.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Yeh, I asked my colleague if the guy had finished or not but he said he couldn't tell.
I would have loved to have seen the sheep video.

12:53 AM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

Is the sheep video available on the internet? This I have to see :)

1:26 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

basket- Calm down. I think I would have noticed if it was. Anyway she drives a Cinquecento.

fuckkit-Unfortunately, I don't even know the name of the guy who told me this story. Perhaps the more theatrical members of our blogging community could re-enact the scene. 'Brianne's handy with a camcorder'.

2:20 PM  
Blogger B said...

I'll jump right on that and see what I can do. It will probably require a lot of liquor, but my friends will do anything if liquor's involved.... :)

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG-steelworker, you have given me such a good laugh. thanks :-)
Your daughters are priceless and I bet you're a great Dad.
The sheep story is hilarious.
And the bold woman-well, I had the same concern as Lady Muck!

5:27 PM  
Blogger Howie Dewitt. said...

that's why we just use the word "ho" instead of "slapper"...cuz some girls have very loose morals and a vice-grip pussy. i'll drink to that. then being the gentleman i am, i'll let her drink something too.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

I always thought it was Pork Sword and Beef Bayonet - things are obviously different in Pontyhotpant.

I too imagined the slapper spinning her "catch" around and getting drenched in piss!

5:34 PM  
Blogger surly girl said...

under 6 seconds? pah. amateurs.

*runs away in shame*

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sheep thing rocks.

Wellfield road? Bloody hell - that's worse than torture. Too posh for me. I'm an Albany Road girl.
Or the Albany pub (which is my local, btw)
;)

9:56 PM  
Blogger Cezi said...

The story is even better than the preview i got from you--and I learned I new word to call my girl friens,""slapper" I'm sure they're going to love that:p

4:32 AM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Brianne- Don't use brandy, things could get out of control. Maybe 'DeVice' could do the special effects.

Kyah girl- Perhaps not such a great dad if you read the comment I made on 'D-flat chime bar's last post. I'm glad you appreciated my posting.

Ka$h- In my youth I was very appreciative of 'vice grip ho's' (commas overwhelmed me then).
Now I'm in the twilight of my sex life I find that such women sometimes over come my vascular hydraulic pressure, which can be a bit of a let down.

DeVice- Your right of course. I remember making a consious decission to change them around but I can't remember why. I've been working hard recently and was tired. That's what comes of having your shoulder to the grind stone and your nose to the wheel.

Surly girl- *Tisk tisk*

Funny thing- Small world, The Albany was my local when I lived in Ninian road, from September of 2002 to the following March. So you would know the assistant manager Richard.
My first impression of the place was seeing handsome, Rich' with his long blond hair and magnificent RAF style handle bar moustach, behind the bar, wearing a W.W.II leather flying jacket.
I knew instantly, this would be my kind of place.

Cezi- Thank's for the compliment. There is something very satisfying about knowing I have introduced the word 'slapper' to the 'beautiful people' of Dallas.

JR- "Sue-Ellen, you're a drunk and a slapper."

I like that.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Lee said...

I am not only admiring her, I'm stealing her methods.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Lee- take heed of Lady Muck.

Indiaiynke- I think the word has been around in this country for at least 5 years.
Indeed, there is a cliche in darts where you're trying to hit say, a double eight but land the wrong side of the wire in the double sixteen. An observer may walk up for a closer look and declare,
"Wrong bed. Slapper!"

5:28 PM  
Blogger QChique said...

Ah yes very funny...flaming sheep! Cezi I suppose it would be better to be called "slapper" than stroppy (thanks mum!) though I cannot decide which I like better.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Snooze said...

I just love the thought of Fluffy to the rescue.

5:26 AM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Well done. That phrase was the original title.

7:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm bored reading this one now.

Is it time for a new post yet?

Lazy cunt.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

P&T - Fuck off!
Cunts.

1:53 PM  

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