Baboon Butt Bobby and Evil Chicken. ( dah dahhh!!)
Baboon Butt Bobby, 2 years old, male, so called because he once became so entangled in brambles he had to rip the skin of his buttocks to escape. The skin healed and the hair grew back a different colour. Originally a circumstantial homosexual, as a result of living with Charlie a long suffering Westie, but now hetro', much to my annoyance.
Evil Chicken. 1 year old, female. Frightened of most things, but once she is comfortable with something, she attacks it.
The trouble with lap dogs.......They sit on your lap.
At least one of them sits on your lap, the other just wanders around your chest and shoulders trying to find a lap. Occasionally, backing a fluffy arse onto your face, or blocking your view to the T.V. Eventually it flops down under your neck, which is where it started. This is called stage 1.
This is the point, when you become completely demotivated. Can't reach your fags, the ashtray, coffee or the remote. You feel trapped and useless. Watching some, 'so called' celeb's you've never heard of, humiliate themselves on some inane reality T.V. show, but you're unable to change channels.
"Oh I can't get up, It'll disturb the poodles."
It's hard enough to get motivated on just coffee and cigarettes, but with lap dogs.....
Finally Stage 3.
At this point, all tolerance vanishes, because you made, the mistake.
For one small moment, you forgot yourself and gave one of them, the merest hint, of affection.
It's tiny heart races, it's excited, it can't contain it's self, it must return the gesture by wanton face licking.
The other senses the excitement. It now competes in the face licking frenzy.
The two of them are like little sycophantic ant eaters on crack. Their miniature tongues probe your lips, your nostrils. You can't breath.
You leap to your feet in panic. The poodles tumble from your chest, confused and offended.
You're free at last!
I'm thinking of wallpapering in velcro. At the onset of stage 3, I could just fling them at the walls and relax.