i> Away With The Fairies.: The Poodles.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Poodles.

Now that I have a bit of an audience, ( don't make any sudden moves or you'll frighten them away ) I'll introduce the poodles.

Baboon Butt Bobby and Evil Chicken. ( dah dahhh!!)

Baboon Butt Bobby, 2 years old, male, so called because he once became so entangled in brambles he had to rip the skin of his buttocks to escape. The skin healed and the hair grew back a different colour. Originally a circumstantial homosexual, as a result of living with Charlie a long suffering Westie, but now hetro', much to my annoyance.

Evil Chicken. 1 year old, female. Frightened of most things, but once she is comfortable with something, she attacks it.

Lap dogs.

The trouble with lap dogs.......They sit on your lap.

At least one of them sits on your lap, the other just wanders around your chest and shoulders trying to find a lap. Occasionally, backing a fluffy arse onto your face, or blocking your view to the T.V. Eventually it flops down under your neck, which is where it started. This is called stage 1.

Stage 2.
This is the point, when you become completely demotivated. Can't reach your fags, the ashtray, coffee or the remote. You feel trapped and useless. Watching some, 'so called' celeb's you've never heard of, humiliate themselves on some inane reality T.V. show, but you're unable to change channels.
"Oh I can't get up, It'll disturb the poodles."
It's hard enough to get motivated on just coffee and cigarettes, but with lap dogs.....

Finally Stage 3.
At this point, all tolerance vanishes, because you made, the mistake.

For one small moment, you forgot yourself and gave one of them, the merest hint, of affection.

It's tiny heart races, it's excited, it can't contain it's self, it must return the gesture by wanton face licking.
The other senses the excitement. It now competes in the face licking frenzy.
The two of them are like little sycophantic ant eaters on crack. Their miniature tongues probe your lips, your nostrils. You can't breath.


You leap to your feet in panic. The poodles tumble from your chest, confused and offended.
You're free at last!

I'm thinking of wallpapering in velcro. At the onset of stage 3, I could just fling them at the walls and relax.


Blogger funny thing said...

The only problem with velcro is that if you get too near it with your chin you could (unintentionally) stick and give yourself a neck injury.

I find that if I get my armpits too near display boards.

12:32 AM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

funny thing- First, my apollogies for refering to you as 'funnygirl' on 'fuckkits' blog.

I once tried to train them not to sit on my lap.
They would chose thier moment an teleport themselves there.
I wouldn't notice until I came to scratch my nuts.
Sorry, It's a bloke on his own watching tv thing.

9:00 PM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

My dog never sat on my lap. She sat next to me and over the course of a few hours she'd wriggle in behind me until I ended up on the floor.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Fuckkit- What was it, a St Bernard?

10:39 PM  
Blogger MQ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Thanks, i'll check it out later. I'm off to work at'mill.

5:31 AM  
Blogger nongirlfriend said...

And here I thought that I was the Evil Chicken...

2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right, so when's the first annual poodle fling then? Does it have to be poodles or can it be anything? I once had a friend who was slightly crazy and very messy, she kept losing thigs like lighters, wallets, remote controls, etc, after avery confusing stage where she attached everything to string, she concluded velcro patches on walls were a better option. That was 6 years ago. I reckon she's still looking for the walls now.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Velcro's up, I've fitted a wire spiders web, now let's practice.

(shouts) "120!" Brilliant!

It might have been 180 but I'm short of one poodle.

3:39 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Lady muck- You can use any live mamal that sticks, as long as it's weight is between 2 and 6Kg.

3:51 PM  

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