i> Away With The Fairies.: Question

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Question

I was sat in bed last night, doing impressions with my genitals, like you do.
To be honest, I wasn't having much success. I'm all right with 'last turkey in the shop before Christmas'. Easy really, just hoist up your foreskin and think of changing the head gasket on a 1968 Morris 1000. Not much of a challenge.

I was trying for something on a culinary theme. I've often been in awe of ladies achievements in this field, inspite of their limited genital resources ( from a sculptural point of view ).
Well, I say achievements, but really it just boils down to the 'cheese burger', 'kebab' and the 'discarded chewing gum'. Although I'm not entirely sure the latter qualifies as 'culinary'.

Of course there are the exceptions that prove the rule. At one time, it was the talk of the village, what Mrs Evans at number 11, could do with her hugely extended labia. Her repetoir could easily fill a half hour slot. Granted, she did use a few props, the small plastic figure of Princess lyah for instance, for her 'Jabba the Hut' or the suitably painted three foot length of stripped willow for 'giant manta ray' to name but a few.
Indeed, she had considered a stage show, were it not for the commercial consideration of seating arrangements around such a relatively small display.
Which was a pity, because the climax of her show was going to be where, by skillful manipulation of her pelvic floor muscles, she 'walked' herself, by suction alone, up the back of the large laminated pane of plate glass, placed vertically, in front of the audience, that served to protect her from the inevitable drunken, bottle throwing, that usually accompanies such events.

This was in fact, plan 'B'. Plan 'A' was much more ambitious.
Following a chat with Dai Williams, the amateur model plane maker, it was felt that with practice, exercise and some stabilizing fins, she could use her magnificent 'piss flaps' to fly, Dumboesquely, around the auditorium. Sadly neither this project, nor the hugely talented Mrs Evans, ever took off.

Anyway, as I said, I was in the bedroom.....
Mind you, I didn't start there. I had retreated from the lounge. There was a lull in 'Coronation Street' so I'd taken the opportunity to get a bit of practice in.
It was all going well until, during one of my more grotesque experiments, the poodles became alarmed and started yapping and lunging at my groin. I carried on at first, but could see they were gaining in confidence and it was only a matter of time before Baboon But Bobby would 'sound the charge' by ragging my scrotum, and I wasn't in the mood to explain it all down at A & E. Especially, as it was rumored, the nurses there, were still 'tittering' about the time I turned up with the 'hoover' nozzle disappearing into my trouser fly.

I digress, I was in the bedroom, working on the 'hot dog'. A difficult contortion.
As I said, it wasn't going well.
You see the mental demand of achieving the necessary arousal for the 'meat' is at odds with that, required for the 'scrotal plumping' for the 'bun'. What with us men being poor at multitasking, I was beginning to think the whole thing was just a waste of time.
When right then, for no apparent reason, a strange question popped into my head,

'How did people manage to clean wax out of their ears, before the invention of the humble 'bic pen?'

31 Comments:

Blogger Fuckkit said...

Firstly when can we expect to see the videos or this amazing penile contortion?

And in answer to your question, get that bloody biro out of your ear, there's folks gotta write with that later.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

I can't even work a mobile 'phone let alone a camcorder.

My pen, my rules.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, I'd like to see the vid of this one too.

I'm fucking disgusted that you chose to do such a thing in front of poor innocent doggies too.

You dirty perverted cunt.

*trots out, tossing a tissue into the corner*

*watches bemused as doggie eats it*

*good doggie*

4:56 PM  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

Tangential.

I like it. In a mildly horrified way, you understand.

And I agree with P&T's sentiments re doing it in front of the dogs. Although I could never say the "c" word. I can say "queynte", though!

5:33 PM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

Try growing the nail on one of your litle fingers really long as it makes an ideal picking tool for many orifices.

Uh... so I've heard anyway.

6:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Indeed, I prefer the pinky finger when it comes to cleansing smaller orifices. As for the suction story, all I can think about is what that must look like on the other side of the glass, and from the pictures in my warped little brain, it ain't pretty, no sir.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

Indeed, Muck, possibly enough to put me off minge for life.
Ok possibly not for life but at least until the narcotics kicked in.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Oh shit! I've just got back from the pub, 'cos my sister rang and said I'm supposed to be at her place in Abergavenny, but I forgot and am now too drunk to drive, and I've now, gota get up at 5.30am to get to her place in time to take her big dogs to a vets in Bristol for an operation or something.
So I'm orf to bed. bye!

10:46 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Right, thats the big dogs sorted.

P&T- I was the victim here!

DeVice- See above. What does 'queynte' mean and how do you pronounce it? Sounds like something Anthony Hopkins drinks with fava beens.

Indiaiynke- Glad of the cultural exchange.

Fuckkit- The beauty of the bic pen top, is the fat bit that stops you pushing it too far.

Lady Muck- I'm so pleased I was able to paint a vivid picture with word for you.

Fuckit- if you ever tire of 'minge', loiter outside St Hilders girls school to restore your innocent idealism.

3:17 PM  
Blogger QChique said...

Hahaha. I got a good visual from the first part. Very talented she must have been. I had to read that second to last paragraph a few times to see out what you were on about, but I think I have figured out what you need is: bigger balls. Don't thank me.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Imogen said...

>Granted, she did use a few props, the small plastic figure of Princess lyah for instance<

Oh my good lord, what with that and Lady Mucks suction comment above, I'm very very close to giving girlkind up for Lent.
Hopefully if I drink enough vodka until then, I'll have forgotten this! People tend not to like it when you giggle at them during sex..

5:19 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

You revolt yet excite me.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

qchique- I don't know wether to order implants, or have them replaced with 'playdough'.

Lee- Always the best mixed emotions.

6:36 PM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

Not to be picky or anything but you spelt "genitals" wrong. I think the way you spelt it means "Not A Jew."

I'm just sayin :P

8:09 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Oh yeh, first line.
Well spotted.

Actually I don't mind this kind of critisism. Gives me a chance to improve. Until computers came along I didn't write anything. I'm just too slow. Can't keep my thread whilst looking things up.

Right anyone want to explain the apostrophy and comma rules?

8:21 PM  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ooh, you've got a hit counter. New addition today is it?

"Queynte": pronounce it how you like.

"Kwent" if you cant bring yourself to say "cunt", or

"Cunt" if you can.

I can, now. Yay me!

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doing impressions Eh! Did you use the obligatory dark glasses and lit cigarette?

8:29 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Fuckkit- I know what happened, the spell checker doesn't recognise 'genitals'( a bit like Marvel comics )and corrected it to 'gentiles'. I didn't notice and clicked on 'replace'.

DeVice- Yey you! Amusing and educational.

8:29 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Banjo man- Don't talk to me about Dark glasses and lit cigarette. I saw that one in FHM or somewhere.
Tried it out.
No one told me your supposed to light the fag first and then position it.
Another cause for 'tittering' down at A&E.

8:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The poodles must just love you. You feed them AND entertain them.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

Is your spell checker a nun?

5:20 PM  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

I can just imagine Sister Wendy sitting beside him with a wooden ruler, slapping it across his fingers when he mispells something or, heaven forbid, types a Rude Word.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Lyah girl- There is no end to my talents. I think they may need therepy

Fuckkit- May well be, a jewish nun from St Cohens.

Device- Your not imune form Sister Wendy. I've noticed the affect P&T are having on your vocabulary.

11:41 PM  
Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

I know. Their particular brand of filth is quite contagious.

As I said to Tina, luckily I have resisted so far but the Host is quite susceptible...

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh that's right, blame us for everything.

Accusatory cunts.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Cezi said...

OMG Steel Worker, this is just fantastic! I'm glad I could have inspired you to be more cultural and express yourself in a more artistic way! Ah… and by the way, I think what you really need there is an extra set of hands:)

5:58 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

DeVice- I forgot to mention the hit counter. I think I've put it in the wrong place.
I'm amused by the word 'queynte'. If you pronounce it 'Kwinty' as an abreviation of Quintessential. It's the nick name of my ex-wifes sports pony.
I'm with 'sniffy' on the swearing thing. I'm not comfortable with it, but feel It's OK if it's funny.


P&T- I know what you're thinking. Oh it's easy to blame P&T.
Your right, that's why we do.

Cezi- I'm always ready to take critism, encouragement and suggestions on board.
I was going to ask 'Biker girl' to lend a hand or two but as she fell about in hysterics when I used my tackle as a miniature guitar to groove along to Status Quo's 'Down Down, Deeper and Down', I didn't think she could cope with the 'hot dog'.

Basket- It all makes sense now. Bubbles was only required to help Michael Jackson entertain his special friends.

8:24 PM  
Blogger Fuckkit said...

Saw THIS and thought of you...

8:35 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

fuckkit- Bless you, always thinking of others.

8:59 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

have you tried the Elephant?

rest the penis between the legs in the usual 'at ease' position. grasp the testicles firmly and each side and stretch about half a metre out each side.

chortle in the mirror at your amusing-yet-painful impression of an elephant with no mouth.

1:07 AM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

JJ- I'm so impressed. An expert on monkeys and genital impressions. Is there no end to your talent.

1:33 AM  

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