i> Away With The Fairies.: Captain Mainwaring - Hero.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Captain Mainwaring - Hero.


Frankly, ‘the furnace’ gives me the ‘willies’. It’s huge, hot, hostile and labyrinthine. The floor is carpeted with sharp steel scale flakes, the walls covered in protruding fasteners that ‘catch’ equipment and clothing. If locked in, you could scream, bang and shout as much as you liked, no one would ever hear you.

Captain Mainwaring knows that many thousands of pounds of lost production could be saved if someone heroic were to crawl in the furnace and do a gas burning job now, instead of waiting for it to cool down.

He’s a man who looks after his ‘boyos’ and knows it would be unreasonable to ask one of us.

At these temperatures, one can only kneel on the floor or lean against a wall for a few seconds before the heat becomes too painful. Even the souls of ones boots are eventually penetrated causing the wearer to dance.

He hands me his radio and mobile phone. I hand him my cigarette lighter and the gas torch.

Soon he’s crawled underneath a roll and out of sight, as I feed in the flexible gas hoses.

The torch pops and I see the yellow flicker of reflected light against the wall.

I hear the cutting torch change to a roar, then 'focus' to sharp hiss.

The Captain curses, “Fucking cunting thing!”

“Are you OK?” I shout.

I’m straining to catch his response above the back ground noise.

“Yes…….One of the bastard control knob has just fallen off the burning torch.”

I genuinely empathise with his frustration whilst simultaneously stifling a snigger.

24 Comments:

Blogger Snooze said...

I feel claustrophobic and terrified just reading this account.

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i feel confused reading this account.

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel ... warm and sweaty ... reading this account. Gosh, he's cute!

3:01 PM  
Blogger The Mistress said...

Is this post another attempt to look butch?

3:41 PM  
Blogger jungle jane said...

I bet it was a giggle, not a snigger. A girly giggle, at that...

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Firstly, that ain't Captain Mainwaring. He's too young to be that caring.

Secondly, aren't the pipes from the cylinder to the torch rubber and thus liable to melt under hot temperatures?

Thirdly, I bet you wet your knickers a bit.

Fourthly, heat-treatment furnaces where the metals are cooled in oil are much more fun. Especially when the safety roofs blow.

Fifthly, is that how you spell fifthly?

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fewclewz...........
I must admit, I had the same concerns re the rubber hoses for the gas and air. Now wouldn't that make a nice loud pop iff'n that acetylene were to escape and meet flame!!!!! Reckon there'd be bits of Tickers spread from arsehole to breakfast time!
What a dangerous thing to have done tsk tsk!
Woulda looked good on the news though!

12:03 AM  
Blogger Divian said...

“Fucking cunting thing!”


I think that this shall now become my new catch phrase.

4:13 AM  
Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

ha ha! Mainwaring said knob! ha ha!

12:19 PM  
Blogger FirstNations said...

only working at electrical potential, in an overhead crane, tapping pots of molten aluminum, is my Biker.
HARD
AS
FUCK.

5:22 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Blokes in hard hats doing scary things - prefarably in steel capped boots *dreamy sigh!*

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tick tick boooom!! What an awesome, in depth, and accurate account of the situation you've described.Wasn't sure who the "captain" was at the start, but came very apparent as the story went on. Keep up the good work mate, you are surely a gifted writer. Leggy

10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lippy - once you've worked at a construction site, you lose all fancifulness and lust for construction workers.

5:17 AM  
Blogger Spike said...

Construction workers may be butch but they don't wash.

9:22 AM  
Blogger FirstNations said...

yes. YOU wash THEM. thats part of their greasy, hairy allure, spike.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Snooze- Steelworks are like that very often.

Pink Drama- Now you know how I feel most of the time.

the fifth floor- I like to throw in a little gratuitous man-totty for my readers when ever I can.

MJ- I AM butch.

jungle jane- You think that Tarzan is so butch? Watch him closely next time he eats a banana.

convict- Firstly, Captain Mainwaring is a pseudoname.

Secondly, Yes, but like the souls of our feet they're quite resilient.

Thirdly, Were I to wear knickers, which I most certainly don't, being a butch steelworker, I wouldn't have wet them because, 1, I am a butch steelworker, 2, Nothing phases a Tickersoid, but mostly 3, I wasn't in any danger.

Fourthly, They have such things in luton?

Fifthly, don't ask me my spellings crap.

Fewclewz- The peek temperature isn't high enough to melt the rubber but the rate of heat release of the walls is very oppressive.

awaiting- very effective as oral stress relief. You need it girl.

pixie sprinkle- Wash your mouth out with soap and water young lady. Only grown ups can use those words.

first nations- Hooray for us men of metal.

lippy- Good job I didn't discribe CM then?

Leggy- Thanks for the support and material you provide mate.

pink drama- Let the poor girl dream.

spike- Dirty, dirty boys!

first nations- Sounds win/win to me.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello.

Not dead - either wordpress on my server died in a very strange way, or it was hacked. I have no faith in people or in computers, so it could have been either.

If you've visited any time after it happened, you will have just got a blank screen. Lost the lot.

I'm rebuilding it now, though, bit by bit, so nevermind.

Anyway, that's all. Just wanted to let anyone who cares know that I hadn't given up or anything, so feel free to drop by periodically. Starting in a week's time, would probably be best, as that gives me some time to get things back to some sort of working order.

Cheers!

12:36 AM  
Blogger Spike said...

greasy, hairy allure

Ew!

I don't mind a bit of bear but yer welcome to all the gresy bears.

3:10 AM  
Blogger FirstNations said...

i am so there, spike-bears ROOL! but you have to keep them greasy so they don't squeak.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Lady Muck said...

Ahhh 'fucking cunting thing'. My description for pretty much everything these days.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Loz- Roger!

Spike- 'He's got to be a bit greasy, gay bear'?

No, doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Anyway, I've got trouble just growing a moustach.

First Nations- ??? Must be a biker thing.

Betty D- Woo hoo you're back. Don't wait for good things to happen before you blog. It's not going to happen. Life for you, will forever be, a rich tapestry of cuntestry.

6:23 PM  
Blogger phlegmfatale said...

Um, I have to say, a certain amount of refinement is nice and all that, but there's something very enticing about the smells of dirty work, greasy & the like. Count me in the corner with First Nations on this one. Nothing wrong with good honest dirt, and then there's the perfect excuse to give a proper going-over with soap. And stuff.

Meow.

Like you said, Tickers - win/win.

6:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the furnace would give me the willies (or at least a temporarily bigger one) if it were manned by that cutie in the picture. Is he a colleague?

8:19 AM  
Blogger Tickersoid said...

Qenny- Not one of us, just a stock photo from the web, but he is cute.

8:35 AM  

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