Away With The Fairies.

Global Warming....again.

2010-11-15T10:27:00.003Z

In a recent episode of 'QI', it was stated that ones pet dog has a carbon footprint equal to two Toyota Land Cruisers.

Apparently, it's something to do with meat eating large mamals.

In view of this, I guess polar bears only have themselves to blame.

More Monkeys!

2010-03-17T06:41:00.002Z

One of the advantages of having opposable thumbs on your feet, is the ability to adjust your height when love making. simply by grabbing hold of your partners ankles.

Quotations

2010-01-25T22:24:00.002Z

Two quotations amused me this week. Firstly the slightly cryptic, "It's all very ironic, but what has it got to do with bright blue bollocks?" and during a discussion about the abnormally large quantity of gay rugby related individuals in Wales.

"What you've got to appreciate is, gay sex is a bit of an upgrade on sheep."

Osama Bin Laden.

2010-01-10T22:32:00.002Z

Osama needs dialysis. How hard would it be to find someone who regularly needs to be detoxed for several hours in a machine of limited availability. Why have there been no videos of some one who actually looks like him since the war.
He's dead guys, move on.

Halloween

2009-11-03T00:36:00.000Z

Who said romance is dead?

My Life Broken Down Into Segments.

2009-09-07T22:48:00.000+01:00

World Championship Bog Snorkling.

2009-09-06T17:54:00.004+01:00

Last week I attended the World Championship Bog Snorkling at Llanwrtyd Wells. Quite frankly, you've pretty much got the whole thing after 15 minutes. You stand on the bank of a water filled trench and watch a snorkle go by, end of.....

The Male Lemu

2009-08-29T17:44:00.004+01:00

I learned recently, that female lemus, are only in season for one day a year. Even then, they're very aggressive and don't take kindly to unwanted advances. It's no wonder that many of the males seek out alternative, single lifestyles.

So Cute!

2009-08-26T13:49:00.000+01:00

Is this a blow monkey?

2009-08-19T06:41:00.001+01:00

Where's Tickers? Most of the online time you'll find me on Facebook. Life is a little hectic at the moment and I don't have time to blog. Especially today as I only have 8 hours off between a night shift and the afternoon shift. Maybe I'll make a point of posting something soon.

Cambridge

2009-06-27T02:05:00.001+01:00

On a recent trip to Cambridge I spotted this monument to PMT.

My Dream Car the Bond 875

2009-05-20T23:32:00.002+01:00

I almost bought one of these yesterday for £210. If only I had space for it. My dream car.

2009-02-18T18:36:00.002Z

In spite of appearances, this steel worker is tea total.

Is My Bum Starting to Look Big?

2009-02-08T13:33:00.001Z

I don't know how to answer this.

CSA

2009-01-20T12:42:00.003Z

No wonder they're in trouble. All my offspring are now independent adults living in their own accommodation of choice. I've already received a letter dated 2.9.08 stating the liability period of payment had ended. Since then, I have settled the final payment.
Today I received three separate letters from the Child Support Agency saying they'd reviewed my case and that as a consequence, they still require payment from me of;-

15% of what they believe to my my annual income. This 15% is payable to my ex wife. That there is no adjustment to it and as a consequence, and I quote, "The weekly amount you must pay is £0.00."
£270.54
£15.19

It's almost as if they make it up as they go along.

One of the letters has a freepost envelope together with a form to fill in with a box asking me to complete the following statement-

'I haven't paid my child maintenance because.....'

Any suggestions?

2009-01-11T20:10:00.002Z

Why the hoo ha about Prince Harry calling a collegue a, 'Paki'. Surely, Paki' is an abreviation of Pakistani. Do I get offended by someone calling me a, Brit'?

8 out of 10 cats. Big Brother edition.

2009-01-01T23:27:00.004Z

Who thought it would be a good idea to replace the usual, charming, witty contestants with socially inadequate morons?
I had to turn it off. Taking the piss out of Big Brother contestants is just too easy and far too cringe worthy.

Feed them to the Dead Set zombies, I say!

2008-12-31T17:56:00.000Z

Don't you just hate it when the dentist fucks up.

Police! Stop!

2008-12-30T17:39:00.003Z

Has anyone else noticed, whilst watching those, 'Police car chases that usually end badly' shows on TV, that, whilst the British bobbies usually bring the whole thing to a controlled stop then catch the, 'bailed', driver in someones wheelie bin, the American cops, tend to attempt a pit maneuver which results in the car hitting a petrol station and two other vehicles which immediately burst into flames.
Or, the number of times a suspect manages to steal the police car because the bungling officer has left the keys in the unattended car.
Of course, I'm willing to concede that our law enforcers don't have to contend with so many guns and crazies.
Could it be a training issue, or is it more to do with the American razzmatazz?

2008-12-27T19:35:00.001Z

A Merry Christmas to one and all!

Quandry.

2008-12-06T00:02:00.001Z

Miko, the dirty cow, has shit on the venty part of my computer monitor. What should I do?

2008-12-01T22:49:00.002Z

I'm 55 years old and this is the worst recession I've ever seen. 'History in the making', as one of my drinking buddies said.

I know I've been lax about posting of late, but if the current climate continues, I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to write. I may even get a dog on the end of a piece of string and sell the, 'Big Issue'.

Emperors New Clothes.

2008-11-15T16:49:00.004Z

Call me naive, but I thought what qualified banks to do what they do, is because they have shit loads of money.

They don't.

Apparently, all they have is a net work of staffed and fitted, posh, secure, buildings. The systemic ability to record, transfer and add or subtract interest to money, and that's it! That is what constitutes their entire assets.

No actual money.

In fact, they are completely skint. Boracic.

Worse than that, they're in debt. Seriously in debt.

Now to me, being seriously in debt, means owing say, 5 times my assets. Yet for banks, this is a mear bagatelle. They owe as much as 30 times their assets!

Ask yourself this, if you had a life long, reliable friend, who owed 30 times their assets, and they asked you for a substantial loan, would you question it? Would you at least hesitate before handing over the crinkly folding stuff?

Of course you would question it, and yet we seem blinded by the smoke and mirrors presented to us by banks.

I'm amazed anyone gives them money to invest, they are unqualified to handle your money. They rely completely on your confidence.

Like fairies, if no one believed in them, they'd all die!

In light of this, I'm no longer surprised that some have suffered a 'run'.

What amazes me, is that we gave them our money to invest in the first place.

Pyramid Selling

2008-10-21T16:56:00.003+01:00

I'm told there is a pyramid scheme going around locally. Apparently a it's been formed by a group of solicitors and based on new gaming laws to get around the old anti-pyramid laws. Donate £3,000, enrol two more players, three tiers later, answer a few very simple questions and receive £23,000. (£1,000 is used for a few things like scheme costs and a donation to a charity of your choice and presentation hall fees etc.) The scheme is still young so many people have had their lives turned around, paying off oppressive debt and using 3k of their winnings to get right back into the scheme again.

Foolishness!

You won't catch me doing that sort of thing.

No......... I'm sensible...................I invested in a tax free ISA..............in Icesave............in Iceland...............then forgot my 'on line' password..........and consequently can't access my account in a bankrupt bank, in a bankrupt country.

Bollocks!!!

Miko

2008-10-08T23:21:00.003+01:00

This is Miko, my English Blue.

The only soft furnishing left in my house is the sofa.

Consequently, that's where the cat fleas live.

Consequently, Miko no longer goes there.

It's only a matter of time before my computer monitor over heats and fails.

Tickers Does Lourdes

2008-09-24T14:40:00.000+01:00

No, not Maddonas' daughter, you mucky minded lot. The Place where, on February the 11th 1856 St Bernadette Soubirous saw a vision of The Virgin Mary. She was only 14 at the time and frankly, I suspect, she was a bit of an attention seeker.
My first impression was of the tacky souvenir shops with their automatic 'wolf whistle' shop keeper alerts. the second was the wheelchair access availability in the shops, suggesting more hopefuls than miracles.
As for the grotto, it's really more of an indentation in the cliff face.
Anyway, I've drunk from the spring water and am now completely cured/cleansed/purged of all my deviant sexual inclinations.......except.......

Well, now I can only become aroused by a vision of The Virgin Mary.

Black Holes

2008-09-11T08:28:00.002+01:00

Of all the black holes in space, one has to wonder, how many of them used to be planets, until some boffin mused, "I wonder if we can make a black hole?"

Indians

2008-09-06T16:02:00.002+01:00

Since an Indian company has taken over, things have changed, probably for the better. They seem to have brought quite a bit of knowledge and money to the business and the future is looking better.
I'm glad we are now being run by Indians, so much better than, the bad old British Steel Corporation days, when we were run by 'cowboys'*

*Cowboys = A term usually used in the building industry in Britain to mean shoddy workers who leaves no corner left uncut

Duff Lyrics

2008-09-03T16:32:00.004+01:00

I forget who it was who descrbed Phil Lynott as the greatest living Irishman, presumable whilst he was alive, but he didn't seem too great when he sang,

Tonight there's going to be a jail break,

Somewhere in this town.

My guess......try the jail.

Do you have a favourite duff lyric?

How to Look a Complete Twat at the Morning Meeting.

2008-08-31T06:07:00.004+01:00

Lock the door of your ground floor office overnight but leave the window open.

Leave your hard hat, complete with integral ear muffs and sweat band, within arms reach of the window.

The night shift boys will ensure that, if you use your hat to visit the plant for an update prior to the morning meeting, you'll walk in to it with black ears and a black forehead.

3.30 am

2008-08-28T13:32:00.003+01:00

It's 3.30 am. We've suffered a minor technical problem and the crew are busy going through the possible causes, liaising between control cabins and conducting investigations. Even with expansive checks and many decades of experience, the complexity of the plant can throw up previously encountered problems.

Digler rises to his feet purposefully, and flicks the tanoy microphone to untangle the curly cable. In light of our recent conversation I'm a little puzzled as to what he's going to say. Twisting slightly he places the mic' between the cheeks of his arse and lets out a loud slow wet fart. He squeezes the last of the noxious gas's from his bowl, it's forced wet squeaks echoing around the hard surfaces of the production facility. He then returns to more serious issue in hand with a self satisfied grin.

"How old are you?" I say in mock chastisement.

We smile at each other, the big, wide, knowing smile.

Trouble at Tickers Towers.

2008-08-24T21:09:00.004+01:00

One learns from ones mistakes.

If your saving money by living on baked beens, it's wise not to try lighting your farts.

Steel Workers Talk Cars

2008-03-26T12:21:00.006Z

Spider, "........................with the car door key."

"Car door key?" Dirk enquires with genuine confusion.

With the sigh of someone resigned to starting from first principals Spider continues.

"Remember when cars used to need a key to open the doors?"

After a short pause, Dirk's expression changes from quizzical to enlightened.

"AAAAhh right, I'm with you........blimey, it's been a long time since I had a car that needed a key to get in."

Tickersoid, "I've yet to own a car that doesn't need a key to get in."

Just then the control cabin door opens and in comes Morris, grinning.

Spider, "Oi! What've you done to my buttie Gymboy? He's come to work all white and trembling."

"You've heard then?" Morris chuckles.

Harry, "Why what happened?"

Morris, " We were following a car that turned left into a side road, then immediately swung right to do a 'U' turn. He obviously didn't see us until his car was blocking my lane when he slammed the brakes on. I swerved to the right clipping his car......."

Harry, "Any damage?"

Morris, "Yeh, all four side panels either scraped or dented.......I swerved right in front of an oncoming young girl in a green Ford Fiesta. By the horrified look on her face she was filling her knickers."

Harry, "Did you take a picture with your phone?"

Morris, "What of her shitting her pants?" he teased, "No, he pulled up behind where we'd stopped so there was no point. Solicitor he was."

Harry, "That's it then, you'll be stitched up."

Spider, "Yeah, it'll all be your fault."

Gymboy "It's all right, he's got a witness, me."

Harry, "Doesn't count, you're not independent."

Spider, "That's right, in his version, you'll be swerving down the road, talking on your mobile phone....."

Spider loves a wind up but Morris isn't biting.

Morris, " Yeah, whilst trying to light a cigarette....."

Tickersoid, ".......and changing a cassette."

Everyone looks at me in disbelief.

Spider, "Changing a cassette?"

I'm starting to feel like an anachronism. "OK, advancing your Ipods or whatever."

Tickersoid, "I can remember, back in the '60's, they used to make vinyl record players for cars. They didn't work very well, but they were available."

Spider, " I bet they had a few coins on the playing arm to stop it jumping."

Tickersoid, "......or a knob of placeticene....or just your knob...."

It seemed funny at the time I said it, but a second later, it didn't work or make any sense. Morris picks up on this,

"How are you going to listen to music with your knob on the playing arm?" He bows his knees and thrusts out his groin to create an image of absurdity.

Tickersoid, "Hey butt', it's not about the music."

All the characters and events described in this post, are fictional and any resemblance to persons either live or dead or events is purely coincidental.
Butt' or Buttie = Friend or buddy.

For Daphne

2008-03-26T11:52:00.002Z

The View Out of my Kitchen Window.

2008-03-13T13:48:00.008Z

Tickers had been preparing for this meme for some time.

There I was, just about to publish the view out of my kitchen window as tagged by Frobisher, when I receive a letter from McDonald's, Informing me that my youngest, Little Miss had won the grand prize in the Bee Movie, 'Draw One.....Plant one....' Competition.

First prize is a choice of 3 professional garden makeovers.

She has to accompany me for the official planting day......which is a bit of a problem.

She won the 3 to 12 year old catagory.

As she's 18 next month, how are we going to suppress the vast mountain range that is her bust?

2008-03-07T17:02:00.002Z

What the F*ck were we drinking?

Thought for the day 3.

2008-03-04T19:53:00.002Z

There I was, on a brilliant Spring morning, having breakfast on the patio, overlooking the lush green valley of Pontnewynydd.
(I know it all sounds idyllic, but in truth, I was in effect, reluctantly, out of severe hunger, gnawing on charred flesh, a refugee from the acrid smoke in my kitchen and the piercing screech of my smoke alarm. )
When, the lyrics of Burt Bacharach came to me.

'What the World needs now is love sweet love.'

My brain was now in free fall. Wasn't it, 'Hot Chocolate' that believed, 'what the world needs now is a great big onion'? A totally different take on global requirements.
No, fool. It was Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell that thought, 'The World is just a great big onion'. I'm sure quite a few geologists might dispute that.
No, 'Hot Chocolate' felt that, 'what we need it a great big melting pot big enough to take the world and all it's got.
Presumably to make onion soup.

Cambridge University

2008-02-28T14:42:00.004Z

I've got a kind of smart arse tourettes. If a remotely funny, smug remark drops into my head, it's very rarely I can stop myself blurting it out, even at the most inappropriate times.

We're taking a tour of Churchill College Cambridge. In the library I spot a hideous sculpture. A kind of griffiny, deamony sort of thing with a stupid face. I try desparately not to say something derogatory. Think of something nice about it, I will myself.
No sooner had the answer popped into my head than it popped out of my mouth.

In the hushed corridore of this learned place I chirp,

"Nice arse!"

Exeter University

2008-02-27T20:20:00.004Z

My youngest daughter, Little Miss and I have spent quite a lot of time together recently. Mostly making our way through a box set of, ''Allo 'Allo.' I missed it first time around and she wasn't born.

Last weekend we visited Exeter University. She wasn't impressed, too many hills.

We pass a sculpture of a knight like figure. It holds a sword aloft at arms length. The statue is made as a kind of steel framework with the shape of a Norman helmet suggesting the head's eyes and nose.

"Coolio" I exclaim enthusiastically trying to sound pathetically hip.

Little Miss, grumpy from the hill walking replys,

"You could say 'Coolio' or another word might be 'crap'." She offers.

"You think? I like it. Bet it'll be great when it's finished."

Bridgend Suicides.

2008-02-23T01:03:00.003Z

Tickersoid, "What do you reckon on these Bridgend suicides then?"
Spider, " The press say it's an Internet based, fashionable thing to do."
Tickersoid, "When has suicide been fashionable? If that were the case, why isn't there a 'spider plant effect, why aren't there suicides in other places?"
Spider, "Spider plant effect? You just made that up. There's no such phrase."
Mongo, "Yeah, you could have called it a straw bury plant effect."
Tickersoid, "But Strawbury isn't as sinister as spider plant."

Meanwhile, Leggy texts in,

"I'm stuck in Bridgend, My car's broken down. Can you rescue me. Bring a tow rope. Can't buy rope around here for love nor money."

Naked Girls Show Bush.

2008-02-07T13:03:00.000Z

Click on the image to enlarge. Pity that doesn't work on my penis.

I'm having problems with my email at the moment, due to a change to Virgin Media.
My new address is stuart.tickersoid@virgin.net Which ever address you use, doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to receive it.

Nice Girls Don't............

2008-02-02T09:07:00.000Z

I've been hearing some bizare tales of boys on rugby tour. Some of the people involved are known to me (Shagger).

The first is a sweet, two boys meet two girls story. They spent the night together in a double hotel room and everything went very well. The respective boys liked the respective girls and vice verce. In the morning, the boys left early for breakfast and let the ladies sleep in. The girls, being much impressed, left a note, thanking them for a wonderful evening and suggesting they meet up again, then slipped out leaving the door slightly ajar.

Before the lads had returned for breakfast, another of the rugby boys had snooped around the room, found the note and using his imagination and bowls, did a swirly turd in the ash tray, then stood the note upright in the poo.

Having devoured their bacon and eggs, the two lover boys returned, only to be completely baffled by the mixed messages the girls had apparently left them.

So Just How Much Money is Out There?

2008-01-28T12:01:00.000Z

About 20 years ago, 'Rogue Trader', Nick Leeson was a little careless with 1.3 Billion pounds, resulting in the collapse of Barings bank. This is the personal bank to HRH the Queen, that funded the Napolionic war.

Recently, Jerome Kerviel, was similarly, scatty with £3.7Billion pounds of money from Societe Generale.

This is nearly three times as much and yet the French bank still managed to turn a small profit!

Behave Yourselves!

2008-01-20T13:33:00.000Z

After the anti-whaling activists had been surrendered by the Captain of the Japanese harpoon ship. The eco-warriors then pelted the Japanese ship with stink bombs.

A statement from the whaler, said this was an act of terrorism and the crew of the Steve Irwin were terrorists.

An unconfirmed source, said that a spokesman for the Sea Sheppard Conservation Society is quoted thus,

"I know you are but what am I?"

It is not clear if the captured activists, Benjamin Potts and Giles lane, were forced to eat large insects and had their nipples burned with magnifying lenses.

Cut and Paste.

2008-01-18T21:59:00.000Z

So school children today belong to the 'cut and paste' generation. School work is completed by cutting and pasting from the Internet. From my experience, that should ideally qualify them for middle management.

Torchwood

2008-01-17T12:26:00.000Z

Would that be an anagram of 'Doctor Who' then?

I was persuaded to watch this for the first time last night. I've no idea what it was about but it sure looked like fun.

Starts off with a fish faced guy driving a Chrysler Crossfire. I think he (or is it she or it) is some kind of alien, anyway, 'he' seems to be well acquainted with the highway code and stops at traffic lights. Incidentally, if I had a face like a fish or was an invading alien, I'd probably not choose an open top sports car for transport. Towards the end of the clip, you can tell from 'Fish Face's accent, that he's probably not and alien, but more likely a public school boy. Just goes to show the dangers of upper class in-breeding.

Later, some guy dressed as Adam Ant, clears a pub by armed force and turns out to be the leading mans ex-lover. Lots of violence, marginally adult material and cool imagery will probably have me watching again.

The added fun is trying to work out which part of Cardiff, each scene is shot.

Have you seen it yet? What do you think?

Yeah Right!

2008-01-14T07:20:00.000Z

The recently published 'The Observer Book of the Body', has listed ten outlandish laws about the body.

In vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
'Female breasts', according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute 'private parts'.
In Merryville Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because 'the privilege of admiring th curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal , red blooded American male'.
In Massachusetts, an old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless a special license fee is paid for the privilege of wearing one in public.
In the UK, no boy under the age of 10 may see a naked mannequin.
A pregnant British woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants - even, if she so requests, in a policeman's helmet.
In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public unless she works as a clerk in a tropical-fish store.
In Singapore, people are forbidden from walking around their houses naked.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a womans genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.
In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

I seem to recall hearing about '6' when I was a boy, but I'm convinced they made up '7'.

Dean Parish

2008-01-13T07:40:00.000Z

Everyone loves a good story especially if it has a feel good factor.

Dean Parish.

Unspectacular career.

Made a few discs in the early '60's that didn't raise his profile very far.
Recently he was working as a session musician and playing in wedding bands as a side line. As a consequence of his wedding work he gets a part in the TV Mob drama series, 'The Sopranos'. Apart from that, he more or less slipped off the radar.

Until he got a call from a private eye working for a promoter in the UK.

Parish is gob smacked to find he has a massive following in the UK's Northern Soul scene.

By now he's forgotten his songs and has to buy some off ebay to re-aquant himself.

When he gets to Wigan Casino he can't believe the thousands of people that have turned out, all passionate about his music.

But the biggest shock, is finding out that the audience is predominately white. Whilst his audience were shocked to find that Dean Parish, is also white.

JahEly (The Streets)

2008-01-09T21:44:00.000Z

This is my eldest daughter, Flicks, neighbor, JahEly.

Sounds pretty good to me. I've certainly heard a lot worse on Radio One recently.

Ely is a council estate in West Cardiff.

Olga Kurylenko

2008-01-09T14:55:00.000Z

The new bond girl has clearly fallen arse over tit for Tickersoid.

I found this out when chatting to her, outside my local, when she nipped out for a crafty fag.

I hope it doesn't end badly, like the last time a lady had a big crush on me.

Nu In Bu Big Tins Comin Acha

2008-01-06T08:40:00.000Z

I’ve spent the last couple of nights listening to BBC Radio 1, loudly, on a powerful stereo, with the bass on full.

Yes I know, it’s probably something to do with a late life crisis, like getting my motorcycle licence recently.

There’s a surprising amount of good music coming out of the ‘kids’ station. Yes, some of it is dire, irritating and shouty, and some of the mixing is overdone, but like most stations it plays good and bad. I find it rewarding to expose myself to fresh material now and again.

But the most surprising thing about R1 is the quality of the Disc Jockeys. It would seem that to qualify as an R1 DJ, one must first have a particular irritating and unattractive voice and talk in an unrecognisable and extreme variation of a regional accent such as Jafakan, at a speed that requires extreme concentration from the listener. However, should you be prepared, as I was, to concentrate and listen, you’ll be rewarded with a stunning realisation.

They talk utter gibberish.

Tony Blackburn and Dave Lee Travis were inclined to witter on a bit but they would turn in their graves at today’s lot. (were it not for the fact that those elder masters of pop, aren’t actually dead yet)

With such a poor command of English, it’s surprising they can get any kind of job without being Eastern European crop pickers, let alone a prestigious well paid one.

I’ve never heard anyone talk like this, it’s some kind of Ali G parody.

Take the title.

“Nu’n bu’ big t’ins comin’ a’cha.”

That was one of the few lines I understood. The rest seemed to employ words you won’t find in any dictionary or words in inappropriate contexts (or vice verca) , grammar from another planet and an absence of content in favour of style (or should that be stylee). Who really want’s to know that Sharon has texted in to say she’s painting her toe nails with her friend Karen?

Worse still, being the BBC, there aren’t any adverts, so the gibber seems endless.

So if any Radio One MC’s are reading this.

Just shut up and play something!

Well Done Funny Thing!

2008-01-02T21:46:00.000Z

Well done Funny Thing. Good to know you're still around. There have been those, who've mourned your loss to me.

Porthmeirion. Scene of the outside shots, from the cult '60's TV series 'The Prisoner' which grossed 11 million viewers at it's peek. I suspect that most of them, like myself, only watched to try and figure out what the hell it was all about.

I Am Not a Number, I Am a Free Man!

2008-01-01T20:07:00.000Z

Guess where Tickers has been?

The answer isn't 'in prison' but it's close.

Weston Beach Races - Muck and Mayhem.

2007-10-22T18:59:00.000+01:00

English Rose invited me to join her at the Weston Beach Races. She was attending on business. I had no idea what they were.
Even she, who regularly attends motocross and enduro events, confessed she’d never seen anything like it.We arrived just prior to the entrants riding to the start line. It took several minuets.
We had no idea that a race could be conducted with over 1,000 entrants.
Nothing prepares you for the Start. The sound of 1101 high performance motorcycle engines hitting full throttle in an instant.
Little compares to the perception of speed, down the implausibly long straight, of a bike at 100mph, riding inches from the spectator rail. So close you could reach out and touch them.
I didn't expect to see riders dressed as tigers, dragons, wizards, superman or a naked lady suit complete with pink wig and tutu, riding alongside world class competitors.
And I wasn't prepared for the carbon monoxide poisoning you experience from proximity to so many two stroke engines, in the absence of any kind of sea breeze.

This is the two wheeled equivalent of the Grand National.

Last Day

2007-10-05T10:43:00.000+01:00

The last day of a foreign holiday can be difficult. Checked out of your room at mid-day but plane doesn't leave until late evening.

We leave our cases in reception keep a change of clothing and hit the beach.

The under foot conditions on the shore line are aggressive. Trying to stand up, to walk out, is a challenge, with the waves being more forceful than previously. I opt to sit on my arse, face the sea and allow the waves to push me inshore. Soon, I arrive in the coarse sharp sand together with a ton of see weed.

Holiday over, it's time to change, I use the showers in the massage room.

The moment I drop my gaily coloured shorts, a shower of pebbles pings off the tiled floor together with a kind of huge salad of sub aquatic plant life, possibly a few muscles and I swear I saw a crab bounce off the floor and scuttle away into a dark corner.
In the mirror my buttocks are laticed with stuck on sea weed.

The shower tray gets blocked, I get out and dry myself just as it over flows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've just checked the last draught and found the only mistake was , 'I swear I saw a crap bounce off the floor and scuttle away......'.

It's a test Jim, but not as we know it.

2007-09-06T17:05:00.000+01:00

Little Miss and I both slipped in under the wire to gain our 35 question Motorcycle Theory Test Certificates before the more expensive 50 question test came into force on the 3^rd of September. We had to travel to Hereford to do so but needs must etc.

I’ve ridden lightweights for years, under a variety of legal loopholes which have now been closed.

Having passed, I feel justified in criticising it.

For instance, one of the questions is;-

Q. You are approaching a tunnel, should you.

a) Sound your horn.

b) Slow down.

c) Tune your radio to a local station.

d) Turn on your hazard warning lights.

The correct answer, as you all knew, was to tune your radio to a local station. Try that on the East bound approach to the Brynglas tunnel and I suspect you’ll end up, at best, in casualty.

Another stupid question was:-

Q. What is the penalty for riding without the minimum legally required insurance.

a) £5

b) £50

c) £500

d) £5000

The answer, apparently, is £5000, but I ask you this, if one is a law abiding citizen, why would you need to know that? You only need to know, if you’re the type of person who wants to risk assess the situation before purchasing the insurance. Do you really want to share the roads with someone who knows the answer?

How about this one, for those who feel everything must have an environmental angle.

Q. What are the environmental effects of motor vehicles.

The answer according to the Driving Standards Agency is,

a) Damage to buildings

b) Pollution

c) Use of resources.

If I know the answer, and am still taking the test, this means,

‘I am aware vehicles cause environmental damage, but I don’t give a toss.’

That ought to save the planet.

I’m off to get my tattoos, piercings and ‘cut offs’ bearing the slogan,

“Born to be a Tad Naughty”

Dishwashers are Evil.

2007-08-30T13:00:00.000+01:00

They day they were invented, the writing was on the wall for the teaspoon fairy.

OK, maybe the picture isn't entirely appropriate, but I don't need much of an excuse to include gratuitous nudity.

Racing Pigeon.

2007-08-22T11:15:00.000+01:00

Continuing on the subject of birds. I was recently on a high area of the galvanizing line with Voice or Reason. We found the 'dining table' for what our janitor advised, was a peregrine falcon. Amongst the inedible body parts, was a ringed claw. I kept the ring and checked it out on the net. Apparently it belonged to a racing pigeon based in Stroud. Clearly this racer wasn't fast enough to evade the falcon.
I notified the appropriate society and received an email suggesting, as the bird was dead, I should feel free to dispose of the body. Not much of a body to dispose of, but then again, I could make it into a handy back scratcher.

A few days later I was telling this tale to a friend when he countered with another pigeon tale. He knew of a bird racer who had an incredibly fast pigeon. Unfortunately, it was a bugger to catch, so the clocking in times were nothing special. On one occasion, the bird returned in such an astonishingly quick time, the owner felt he had only one option.

A quick blast with a shotgun had the bird recording it's first and last win.

Well what else could he do with it?

The Glorious 12th.

2007-08-20T08:50:00.000+01:00

It's interesting to note, the difference in mentality between townies and country folk.
The grouse season is upon us.
On TV, I watched a land owner, or he could have been the game keeper, acting as spokesperson for the grouse shooters. The interviewer, asked if he could answer animal welfare concerns.

Now he could have pointed out how being shot was perhaps favourable, from the birds perspective, to any one of the natural events, which may beset such fowl in middle age. An age, it must be pointed out, which they are very unlikely to survive.
However, in his mind, it didn't occur to him that shooting birds could be a cause of squeamishness amongst those, insulated from the realities of life. He simply assumed, the conditions under which the grouse lived, were at issue.
He answered confidently, secure in the knowledge that, being un-farmed, no welfare issues could be held as his responsibility.

What follows is not verbatim, but gives a flavor of his answer.

"There are no welfare issues, we don't' farm these birds, they live wild in areas set aside. All we do, is set the hounds on them and blast the little fuckers out the sky when they try to escape."

You're not doing your cause any favours mate.

Another Great Weekend.

2007-08-15T20:26:00.001+01:00

Yes, I know, I've screwed up the dates on the camera again.

It’s surprising what can make a cherished moment.

Excellent meal of duck, new potatoes and cauliflower cheese, alfresco, in very pleasant company.

A patio lit only by ‘T’ tree lights and Chinese lanterns.

We drank mead and listened to folk music.

Talked into the night, cutched* on a wicker settee, wearing old dog walking coats.

It was totally charming.

The next day, Sunday, we met up with family for a few drinks, sat outside in the sun at the Hen and Chickens in Abergavenny listening to their jazz quartet.

Life is good.

* Cutched = Welsh word for snuggled.

Great Weekend!

2007-08-06T22:35:00.001+01:00

Some of this Edwardian stuff can really shift even by todays standards. Then again, with engines somewhere between 11 and 24 litre, I guess it should.

This weekend we went to see the 'Wacky Races'. The Vintage Sports Car Club's annual hill climb at Prescott Hill and........................

...............a visit to the National Botanical Garden of Wales near Carmarthen. Of course, being a muppet, I left both my dark glasses and camera (freshly loaded with new batteries) in the car. These pictures were taken using my 'phone.

##############################

Update for Awaiting. Somewhere to put the kids. Yes I know the dates are wrong. I was having problems with the camera. These cars were two of very many VSCC visitors in the car park.

Expect Delays

2007-08-02T09:44:00.000+01:00

During the night a lorry overturned on the central reservation of the M4 somewhere between Tredegar Park and the Coldra.

Having worked a 12 hour night shift, I'm tired and have a senior moment. I forgot there was an RTA and join the motorway. It takes me two and a half hours to travel the 20 miles home.

I'm not annoyed or irritated. I enjoyed listening to the radio. I also have to thank God I wasn't on the interstate bridge in Minneapolis when it plunged into the Mississippi River.

Corrupt Bastards!

2007-07-25T10:23:00.000+01:00

Speaking of his prison experiences, the doctor says he lived for two years in filth with only salty water to drink, sharing a cell measuring 1.9m (6ft) by 1.7m (5.5ft) by 3m (9.8ft) with up to eight people at a time.
The nurses were tortured with beatings and cattle prods.

So here's why I'd never work in any dodgy country no matter how good the money is.

This is the inside scoop, or at least it would be if I had any names, dates or places.

Around about the end of 2006, I was seeing a foreign senior staff nurse. She had previously working in a Libyan hospital. She knew most, if not all, of those arrested for the HIV blood scandal because the foreign workers tended to socialize together. Apparently, it was common knowledge that the hospital buyer was a favoured cronie, and had been buying cheep downgraded blood from Saudi Arabia and pocketing the difference. Naturally, when the diarrhea hit the turbo, he wasn't to blame.
On a slightly different note, she told me there was a culture of neglect in the hospital. Nurses would clock on at the start of a shift, then 'dissappear' until it was time to clock out. Many patients died of inattention.

Do you still want to go for that high paying Middle Eastern contract?

"Ich bin ein Berliner"

2007-07-19T22:16:00.000+01:00

For the benefit of Hey Lady, I've included more photo's.

Or, any excuse to show my holiday snaps.

Firstly the site of the Imperial Royal Palace, which is now being rebuilt, with private funds. When the Soviets took over after the war, the Palace, being a symbol of imperialism, was destroyed and replaced with, Palast der Republik, The seat of the East German Government. Unfortunately, this was later condemned for having too much asbestos in its' construction.

It's possible to include Berlin Cathedral, the Fernsehturm and The Imperial Royal Palace in one shot.

Apparently the East Germans were big fans of Groucho Marks.

At 38 degrees, the animals is the two zoos were not too active.

At 22 Euro's, I just had to have this East German military hat.

Take one hotel court yard, add a lift in the middle, surround lift with tubular fish tank. How cool is that?

The Wall as a display. There are some small sections of wall that remain in place, but they are being picked away by souvenir hunters.

This library courtyard provided very welcome foot massage to everyone who staggered here on a very hot day.

This is the kind of detail I love. A working lift pump. It's about 8ft tall. It was a hot day, and I'll drink from anything.
Little Miss, "What does it taste like?"
Tickersoid, "Iron. It tastes like the cooling water at the steelworks."
Little Miss, "You mean like teaspoons?"
Tickersoid, "I'm not sure what you mean."
Little Miss tastes water.
Little Miss, "I thought so, it tastes like teaspoons."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tickersoid's guide to Berlin.

Bicycles are allowed on the U-bahn (subway).
Berliners are big on bicycles.
You can chain a bike up with it's lights attached all day and no one will steal your bike or lights or kick in the wheels.
Because of the bike culture, there are no fat people.
You can also bring your dog on the U-bahn.
German announcements are, unlike the more chipper British chimes, preceded by a death knell.
If you want air-con, you have to eat in Star Bucks. We have been living on cake, coffee and ice-cream for three days. We are now 16 stone and unable to sleep.
Motorcyclists don't have to wear a crash helmet.
The rules of the road are different in each half, this causes confusion and consequent accident's.
East Berlin is now shiny and new.
West Berlin is shabby in comparison.
Suppression of vegitation in urbun areas is meagre, consequently there is a 'post apocalyptic' look to the place.
Very little litter, lots of graffiti.
A lot of flats are made from prefabricated concrete and yet it works and actually looks attractive. My suspicion is that, unlike the British buildings of similar construction, the Krouts stuck to the rules and didn't cut corners with the steel corrosion proofing, the mix of the concrete or the burning off of steel lugs that didn't align on construction.
Being a reunited city, there are two of everything, that there should only be one of, such as two zoos and two airports.

This picture encapsulates my image of Berlin. The art deco surround, the bicyles, slim people, graffiti and grass trying to reclaim the site.

There is a lot of this kind of naff art-deco. I quite like it.

I also like the more considered art-deco such as this station.

The older buildings such as Berlin Cathedral all had to be reconstructed after the war.

Little Miss looking down on the Fernsehturm. They grow up so fast.

Of course, no tour of Berlin is complete without a picture of the Batternburg Cake.

Welsh World Champion.

2007-07-08T21:10:00.001+01:00

On a day when a Welshman becomes a world champion, all the tabloids want to concentrate on is the Brits dismal performance in the Tour do France, (how can that start in England?) The British Grand Prix and Wimbledon.

So lets drink a toast to 40 year old, Bryan Evans of Bridgend. 2007 world bog snorkling triathalon champion.

To pronounce the 'LL' in Llanwrtyd, form your mouth as for an 'L' sound but don't engage your vocal chords, instead blow spit around the outside of your tounge in more of a 'TH' sort of sound.
Yes, I know, LL Cool J isn't quite as cool in mid' Wales.

So Llanwrtyd is pronounced 'Thlanour-tid'.

2007-07-07T21:04:00.000+01:00

The falconer tells us how the word cadge comes from falconine. Apparently the cadge, is the frame on which the birds perch. At one time the cadge carrier would have been commandeered without expectation of payment. After the hunt some of the toffs might have tipped him. Hence the expression, ‘to cadge’ meaning to gain payment when undeserving. He also explained how the bird of prey was tied by leather straps to its ankle. Hence the expressions, 'to reach the end of ones tether'. Another expression comes from the hooding of the bird. This is known as 'hoodwinking'.

He went on to explain how the head cover was comfortable and the bird was happy wearing it.

I lean over to English Rose and suggest,

"That’s where we get the expression, all's good in the hood.”

OK, perhaps I’d been drinking too much nettle ale.

DIY

2007-07-06T16:51:00.000+01:00

I've been doing a lot of DIY recently. Consequently, I won't be spending so much time on the inter....web....net....thingy.

Not so much because of the re-prioritisation of my time, but because it's difficult to type with band-aids on each finger.

“A turd by any other name would still stink like shit” We’ll attribute this to William Shakespeare even though we know he didn’t say it.

2007-07-05T00:19:00.000+01:00

The phone rings.

Tickersoid, “Hello?”

Cold Caller, “Hello, Is that Mr Tickersoid?”

Tickersoid, “Yes it is.”

Cold Caller, “ Hello, Mr Tickersoid, I’m Nigel from ‘Golden Solutions’, We administer Gold Solutions credit cards and we blah, blah, blah, blah,…..”

Tickersoid, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but what did you say you were from?”

Cold Caller, “Golden Solutions…..”

Tickersoid, “Now stop right there, that’s where you lost me, ‘Golden Solutions’ the name just screams at me, ‘We’re full of shite’.

Tickersoid hangs up.

God Bless America!

2007-07-04T14:25:00.000+01:00

Happy 4th of July.
For all my American readers, a little razzmatazz.

Don't try this at home folks.

Emotional Inertia - Discuss.

2007-07-01T21:03:00.000+01:00

I’m breaking my own rule again by blogging under the influence of alcohol.

But tell me, (no don’t tell me you can’t start a sentence with the words ‘and’ and ‘but’) is there such a thing as emotional inertia?

If someone is prone to getting emotional at the drop of a hat, are they also likely to have quick emotional healing.

Get upset quickly then be fine quickly.

Conversely, is it true, that those who seem to be more emotionally robust, are much more devastated when things, they have finally committed to, go pear shaped?

Farewell Gift.

2007-06-29T13:42:00.000+01:00

I was remembering an old friend I hadn't seen for a while, Mark.

Mark was tall and handsome but in a very fair, Mike Hawthorn sort of way. He was from the valleys. Hard drinking, rugby boy. I surprised to learn he had a softer side, very artistic and an amazingly accomplished pianist.

What made me smile this morning, was a story he once told me about a rough valleys couple. The 'man' had come home drunk one night, woke his partner up, insisted she cook him something then beat seven bells of shit out of her until she complied with his sexual demands. That night, after he fell asleep, she packed her bags and left him.
That was after she deposited a well aimed 'dump' on his chest.

I'm Good I Am!

2007-06-27T18:28:00.001+01:00

Today, I'm going to be boring.

Before.

During.

After.

All it takes is a little dismantling, clean up with vinegar, and re-assembly using PTFE tape and boss white.

Gay Boys Look Away Now!

2007-06-27T15:40:00.001+01:00

Here it is. Conclusive proof that I'm not gay. A brown velore sofa.

Bad Day at Work. (one for the boys)

2007-06-26T21:30:00.000+01:00

Every now and again, you get a day at work, when nothing works. Usually if something fails there’s a way around it. If more than one related item fails things start to get interesting. If this results in workers running around in a semi panic, it often induces someone to get out his mobile phone and play the end credit music to the Benny Hill Show over the tannoy.

Flat steel strip is stuck in the machinery. It has to be nibbled out. The nibbler lead is too short to reach from the socket to the problem. An extension is found but it’s got no fuse. A fresh fuse is put in and the nibbler is connected but it just jambs onto the strip because the blades are poorly adjusted…etc. If the process stops it’s an instant £7,000 penalty.

Sometimes this kind of thing goes on for hours. Adrenalin stops you noticing the passage of time.

Eventually, everything settles down.

You have time for to relax for a spot of lunch. Toss a ready meal in the microwave and slam the door.

It’s at this point the ‘door open’ button pings out like a bullet, the full length of the mess room and disappears under a table.

Pillow Talk

2007-06-26T09:15:00.001+01:00

It’s the little things that one remembers from a budding romance. Like the clash of teeth the first time you kiss, or the first time one of you farted either loudly or obnoxiously.

Or the physical stage when you get to say those immortal words, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry……this has never happened to me before…” whether due to impotence, premature jizzing on her dress or just simply pissing the bed.

Never forget the little things...........It’s what romance is all about.

Remembering a Pivotal Moment.

2007-06-22T21:03:00.000+01:00

On the outside, nothing changed. Business as usual.
Inside, something worn and damaged but which I believed was basically good, died.
It festered for a while then turned to dust. Inert dust.
On the outside nothing changed.
But the inside was unrecognisable.

We’ve probably all had moments like this.

Operation Poodle Purge

2007-06-21T15:28:00.000+01:00

I decided to throw out, only those items the poodles had pissed on.

Philips Go Gear Continued.

2007-06-19T12:10:00.001+01:00

I was on the verge of taking my Philips Go Gear debacle to director level, when this card dropped through the letter box.

Now, when I receive a card entitled, 'We have a parcel for you.' I'm inclined to think someone has a parcel for me. It would have been nice if they'd let me know it was coming so I could have had a third day off to collect it but hey, at least they've decided to send me a brand new item to make amends.

I drive all the way to Cardiff. In truth, I was going there anyway.

It seems I'm not the only one confused by the card. The City Link guy goes to look for my package and comes back, points to the top right hand corner of the back of the card and says, "Sorry mate, we're supposed to be collecting a package from you."
Shortly there after, I again, had business in Cardiff so I dropped the package off for them. It was complete with a copy of the proof of purchase and a letter explaining all that had gone before and saying that, should they screw up again, this was going to director level.

The City Link employee goes off in search of my parcel.
He comes back empty handed. Meanwhile, Tickers, fitted with a working MP3 supplied by a more reliable manufacturer, is practicing dance moves, encouraged by the obvious security camera.

"I'm afraid I can't find it."

Tickersoid, "That's because it's right here in front of me, see?......You're collecting it from me, apparently there's a little tick in a box on the back which says so."

"Oh, in that case can you fill in this form for where it's going to."

Tickersoid, "No I can't, because you came to collect it from me, I didn't solicit this delivery, in fact, the first I knew of it was when your card arrived."

Missing City Link guy wanders off to find better trained colleague.

I'm beginning to loose the will to live........

Son, We Gave This a Lot of Thought.

2007-06-11T23:17:00.000+01:00

We're chatting at the bar of Harry Ramsdens at Mermaid Quay, in Cardiff. Waiting for our fish and chips.

Tickersoid, "So your ex husband is Jewish?"

English Rose, "No, what made you think that?"

Tickersoid, "Your son's name, Aaron."

English Rose, "Oh......well...... you see, we were expecting a girl. She was going to be Rebecca. When he turned out to be a boy, I picked up the book of names, looked under boys and Aaron was the first one."

Wow!

2007-06-10T11:41:00.000+01:00

Christina Aguilera, Candyman. For those of us learning to jive, this is just magic.

Combine her superb voice with American, 1940's movie, imagery and the effect is completely uplifting.

Wow!

Oh, For Fucks Sake!

2007-06-08T14:45:00.001+01:00

Long story short.

Tickers buys MP3.
MP3 doesn’t work.
Tickers calls manufacturer, who after going through the, 'what has the stupid customer done wrong now procedure' advises me to put it in the box with out accessories and stick the receipt to the outside and wait for their courier. I’m told not to post it, they have to use their courier.
Wait in all day courier doesn’t come.
Phone manufacturer arrange new day.
Courier collects MP3.
Receive letter from repairer requiring proof of purchase.
Phone repairer, tell them receipt stuck to outside of box as requested.

Tickersoid, “But I did exactly what you insisted I do. I’d have sent it by post with the receipt inside the box.”

Help desk. “I’m sorry sir, but you shouldn’t have sent the actual receipt just a copy. The receipt must have been lost in despatch.”

Tickersoid, “But you insisted on this courier not me.”

Help desk, “I’m sorry sir there’s nothing we can do unless we have a receipt.

I ask them not to return the player for two weeks whilst I organise a replacement receipt.
Tickers obtains receipt. Photocopies it and sends to repairer within 4 days.
Two days later, courier arrives with boxed MP3.
Inside is a note saying they’ve returned it unmended because they didn’t receive proof of purchase.

But what makes me beside myself with annoyance, it that the box, has my original fucking receipt, still stuck to the outside, just how I sent it.

Stoopid

fucking

retards!

Ecology - The New Religion.

2007-06-04T12:59:00.000+01:00

If you want to make any difference to global meteorological conditions, you could try dressing like a hippy, strapping antlers on your head and dancing around a pole.

Alternatively, you could avoid using the ‘stand by’ facilities on your electronic equipment.

I’m sure both methods are equally effective.

Where's Fuckkit?

2007-05-29T21:22:00.000+01:00

No one seems to have heard from Fuckkit for a while. Where is she?

Here are my theories.

1. She’s fallen in love with somewhere.

2. She’s fallen in love with someone.

3. She’s fallen in love with a group of people.

4. She’s fallen in a hole.

5. She’s fallen in a hole and been eaten by ants.

6. She’s been eaten by wild dingoes.

7. She’s been eaten by a gang of marauding lesbian bikers.

8. She’s joined a gang of marauding lesbian bikers.

9. She’s joined a monastery.

10. She’s joined the mafia.

11. She’s discovered joined up writing and no longer uses a key board.

12. She’s had one too many.

13. She’s had one too many left ear piercing and is going around in circles.

14. IDV has cast a spell on her.

All other suggestions and theories welcome.

Captain Mainwaring - Hero.

2007-05-25T11:54:00.000+01:00

Frankly, ‘the furnace’ gives me the ‘willies’. It’s huge, hot, hostile and labyrinthine. The floor is carpeted with sharp steel scale flakes, the walls covered in protruding fasteners that ‘catch’ equipment and clothing. If locked in, you could scream, bang and shout as much as you liked, no one would ever hear you.

Captain Mainwaring knows that many thousands of pounds of lost production could be saved if someone heroic were to crawl in the furnace and do a gas burning job now, instead of waiting for it to cool down.

He’s a man who looks after his ‘boyos’ and knows it would be unreasonable to ask one of us.

At these temperatures, one can only kneel on the floor or lean against a wall for a few seconds before the heat becomes too painful. Even the souls of ones boots are eventually penetrated causing the wearer to dance.

He hands me his radio and mobile phone. I hand him my cigarette lighter and the gas torch.

Soon he’s crawled underneath a roll and out of sight, as I feed in the flexible gas hoses.

The torch pops and I see the yellow flicker of reflected light against the wall.

I hear the cutting torch change to a roar, then 'focus' to sharp hiss.

The Captain curses, “Fucking cunting thing!”

“Are you OK?” I shout.

I’m straining to catch his response above the back ground noise.

“Yes…….One of the bastard control knob has just fallen off the burning torch.”

I genuinely empathise with his frustration whilst simultaneously stifling a snigger.

Lippy's Given Me an Idea!

2007-05-23T15:10:00.000+01:00

This post continues on from the previous one in which a Russian man grows a penis on his arm.

Lippy commented,

"What is it with bloggers and genetailia - frobes has horrid fannies and you've got random dick growing.....I don't think you can grow your self a spare just in case the original fails at some future date!"

Lippy's given me an idea......

Surgical Genital Insurance.

Man Grows Penis on Arm

2007-05-23T10:01:00.001+01:00

Photo: ananova.com, image of a similar operation held several years ago

Russian Man Grows Penis on Arm

Created: 22.03.2005 12:01 MSK (GMT +3), Updated: 17:13 MSK

Russian doctors have conducted an 11-hour operation to replace a patient’s deformed penis with one grown on his forearm, the Moskovskiy Komsomolets daily reports.

The 30-year-old Russian man, whose name was changed in the article to protect his privacy, had a defect from birth — his penis was crooked, two-and-a-half-inches long and lacked a scrotum, the newspaper writes.

The doctors had the penis removed and attached to the man’s arm. Using his body tissue it grew to six-and-a-half inches and was sewn back on to his groin. Silicone tubes were inserted into the organ to ensure an erection was possible. Doctors also created a scrotum from the patient’s own skin and placed silicone testicles in it.

A Moscow surgeon said the man will be able to have sex in a few months. He added: “Women will never suspect it is artificial.”

Just think of the possibilities.

Fancy Dress

2007-05-22T22:56:00.001+01:00

It's a shame that the Catholic church allowed it's self to be known as a haven for gay paedophilia. Covering up is only a short term solution and should never be a long term policy. What worries me, is that since the last round of revelations, no one has been outed and sacked. This suggests to me, it's back to business as usual.

Neighbours Key

2007-05-18T00:42:00.000+01:00

My neighbour calls me on my house phone.

Neighbour- “You’ve left your mobile phone in my house. You’ve got a key so you can let yourself in to get it.”

Tickersoid- “Er..actually….I think I recycled your key.”

Neighbour- “What do you mean recycled?”

Tickersoid- “Well you know how my key hook is above my recycle bin….”

Neighbour- “You’re crap!”

Tickersoid- “Yeah, I know.”

Where's Tickers?

2007-05-15T14:28:00.000+01:00

Amongst other things, I've been here. 50ft below my patio, in my cramped, dark, damp workshop.

Making one of these.........

With the help of some of these and some new bearings.....

....Into one of these.
I now feel very butch.
Gonna catch a few beers and watch the game.

Cookies Shaped Like Arses.

2007-05-10T01:16:00.000+01:00

Ja Ja

2007-05-06T23:57:00.000+01:00

I’m helping Little Miss with her homework.

Tickersoid, “Question 6, Was Schule hat Deutschland?”

Little Miss, “Das Schulsystem in Deutschland ist beruht auf Kenntnis. Deutschland hat vier Schulen: das Gymnasium (für die sehr intelligenten), die Hauptschule (für durchschnittliche Schüler), die Realschule (für unterdurchschnittliche Schüler) und die Gesamtschule (die selten sind).

Tickersoid, “I think you should read your answers in a really gay German accent, like that paedo’ from Royston Vasey”

Little Miss, “You mean Her Lip from ‘The League of Gentlemen’?”

Tickersoid, “Ja, that’s him.”

Little Miss, “Why?”

Tickersoid, “Because it would add a comedic element, to what would otherwise be, a mundane exercise.”

Little Miss, “Shut up dad.”

We continue for a few more questions then she does the accent.

Tickersoid, “There, you see what you can achieve when you apply yourself.”

Golden Rule.

2007-05-04T23:47:00.000+01:00

I have a golden rule. Never use the Internet if you're drunk. I ought to have a breathalyser fitted to my PC so that if pissed, I wont find in the morning, I'm the highest bidder on a 10 ft high model of Everest made out of ear wax.
Unfortunately, I'm always too pissed to obey the rule.
So here is the latest gossip.
Tonight whilst supping some in 'Gay Corner' I noticed Joe. She was with a guy I didn't recognise. It certainly wasn't with her regular guy Dia. I wondered if he was, perhaps a brother or colleague or something equally innocuous. I notice him toy with her long blond hair. She takes his hand away.
Come to think of it, for some time I've noticed Dia around, with out her.
So maybe she's found herself a new man.

Or just maybe...........the guy is her husband.

Data Protection

2007-05-02T14:21:00.000+01:00

Customer Support, "Virgin Mobile, how may I help you?"

Tickersoid, "You've sent me a letter advising that my account is overdue by £112.48 because you've been unable to collect on my direct debit."

Customer Support, "Do you have an account number?"

Tickersoid, "Apparently so, It's 5------8."

Customer Support, "...and your secret password?"

Tickersoid, "Ah now, this is the thing, my mobile phone is with 'Orange', my TV is with 'Sky' and my internet connection is with 'NTL'. As far as I'm aware, I don't have, not have I ever had, any contract with you. I have no idea what this is about, that's why I'm ringing."

Customer Support, "I'm sorry sir, but without the password, I'm unable to discuss this with you."

Environmentally Friendly Retail.

2007-04-30T22:08:00.000+01:00

I heard this story this morning on the radio.

Sales Assistant, "That'll be £17.95 Madam. Would you like us to recycle the coat hanger?"

Customer, " Recycle, as what?"

Sales Assistant, "Sorry?"

Customer, "You asked if you could recycle the coat hanger, recycle it as what?"

Sales Assistant, "Well.......as a coat hanger."

Customer, "So you regard using a coat hanger twice as 'recycling',"

Sales Assistant, "Yes, it increases our green profile."

Plastic Pig V's Train.

2007-04-27T11:22:00.000+01:00

What would happen if my three wheeled Reliant car collided with a train? For some reason, I've been unable to post this U-Tube vid' to my blog so here is the link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3kjiEswbik&mode=related&search=

Now compare that to the Top Gear Renault Espace train wreck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNREwYW8fTo&mode=related&search=

Tickers Caught in a Flash.

2007-04-27T08:21:00.000+01:00

Trikes are for Pussy's.

2007-04-26T18:46:00.000+01:00

In a recent episode of Monster Garage, show host Jessie James, when asked to make a bike out of Peterbuilt truck parts declaired, "Trikes are for pussy's."
I thought, he had no idea just how big a 14 litre engine is. When the engine was removed he backed down and decided to build a trike.

This is what I call a trike. Just because the single wheel is in the front doesn't mean it can't kick ass on the track. These trikes, ridden two up, are amongst the fastest hill climb vehicles there are, even when compared with monoposto style specialist vehicles fitted with F1 car engines subsequently fitted with superchargers.
Most of the two wheel racers declair, "You wouldn't get me up in one of those things!"

Just a Bad Dream.

2007-04-22T19:39:00.000+01:00

I lower the bucket containing the skin cream. In the well below, the naked, frightened young woman shivers with cold.
Ignoring her pleas, I chant.

"It puts the lotion on it's skin,
Or else it gets the hose........."

I awake feeling disturbed and emotionally uncomfortable. Relief dawns on me as I realise, it's just a nightmare and I won't have the almost impossible task of making 'again' rhyme with 'skin'.

My apologies to readers from the more southerly parts of the USA, for whom such a rhyme poses no problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My favourite quote of the week comes from the Australian contestant in the World Transsexual Pageant held in Bangkok, as she complains about the prejudice she experiences.

"Just because I have a penis, it doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman."

Well actually luv......it kinda does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I'm a bit dyslexic but it's obvious there are six vowels in the English alphabet.

A E I O U Y

So why does everyone else think there are only five?

The Adventure of Seven Men and a Dog.

2007-04-20T08:18:00.000+01:00

I pay tribute to my friends and colleagues. From left to right, Tickersoid, Councilor Big nose, Shrek with Dog, Sausages, Ed Shot, Max Cadey, and Pip Nillips.

OK, I'm a Muppet. I put my hand up.
Having failed to remove the time from the pictures, I set it correctly then put freshly charged batteries in the camera. I know, I should have done it the other way around.

This place is full of caves and disused mines. The underground rivers are fast flowing and bitterly cold. Lives have been lost in these places.
I thought there would be four water falls and that would be it. This walk was a never ending cascade of cascades. Fresh beauty found at every turn.

And such fine weather. It really couldn't have been better.
The drop to the right is most probably fatal. Ridge walks were a common feature of this hike. The underfoot conditions weren't always as good as this. Mostly, we had to pick our way through loose angular rocks and a lattice of tree roots

Getting our feet wet to do this so early on in the walk was worth the fun of standing behind a waterfall.
Under different circumstances, I'm sure most of us would have gone for a swim in some of the many crystal clear deep pools we encountered. Some of the vantage points to these pools would have made very good diving platforms. If Fewclewz had been here, I'm sure he would have had his kit off in a jiffy and been swan diving into them.
In hind sight we should have split this walk in to two trips. By the end we were becoming a bit blase about waterfall. 16 miles of rough terrain, a lot of it, little better than a river bed or rock fall. In the end, the pace became more important than the endless natural beauty that surrounded us.
The trail actually goes behind this fall. It's the easiest way to cross the river.
There were many, many more amazing sights after this but my camera memory ran out about a third of the way around. Of note the pool and weir at the ruins of the gun powder works.

It took us seven hours to the minute. After, we had a couple of bottles of Tesco's finest wine and a few laughs and beers in the Bridge Inn at Abergavenny.
The guy is either a jogger or more likely, a chav joyrider, legging it from the burning car.
Just a perfect day out, with some good mates.

What have I done wrong now?

2007-04-20T08:13:00.000+01:00

Testing, testing, 1,2......1,2.